My Aunt Is Hot

Tonight, Ashley and I went to Montclair for Emily’s birthday party. It was right near this Starbucks I went to a couple of times. Anyhow, we found the place no problem. The problem at hand was parking.

There is a pretty sizeable lot, and all of the spaces are taken. As we’re driving around this circle, I notice this NICE Mercedes C Class Sedan (Silver) parked over two spaces. We drive around the circle again and again. Still no spots. Each time we drive by this car parked over the line, I get more and more upset. This person was inconsiderate enough to deny us a parking space because his car was better than everyone else’s. I finally reached my boiling point when we had to park illegally somewhere with a little sign “Reserved parking for Celia’s Flowers” or something equally foreboding. I said to Ashley, “You know, We should leave a note.” And so, as I do on so many other occasions, I started writing.

“Thank you for being so considerate as to allow everyone to have a parking spot.People like you really make the world a better place. You’re a bitch bastard.

All My Love, Steven Tenlo Ph.D”

So, we went and started our dinner. I met this really cute waitress who was going to be a sophmore at Montclair State. That’s secondary though. We watched as this guy got into his car, (He had two other cars waiting to occupy those spots) got back out of his car, take the note, read it, and drive away. He was with his family. All the while, I was watching this, and laughing and laughing. It was better than drugs.

What’s something an idiot loves to do? Get the last word. When I got home, my parents asked me if I left a note on someone’s car. I told them I did. Anyhow, he called up fiery mad about this note. From my sister, It went something like this:

Sister: Hello

Dude: <ANGRY AS HELL> IS JOSHUA ZIERING THERE !?

Sister: Nope …

Dude: I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR FATHER. GOD IM SO DISSAPOINTED. UGH!

Dad: Hello?

Dude: I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU WHAT JOSHUA DID WAS SO INNAPROPIATE. IM SO MAD. IM SO DISSAPOINTED.

Dad: Ok … I’ll relay that information to him.

Ok, my parents are cooler than most. Unfortunately, I haven’t trained them yet in the ways of *69. I would have like to spoken to this guy since he was so eager to ‘Let me have it’.

The question remains: How did he track me down?

This guy was enough of a loser to go home, and type Steven Tenlo into Google. Guess what pops up? The “Who Am I?” from my site. From there, he looked up my phone number in the telephone book, and called my house. Soo apparently, not only is he inconsiderate, he must not have a life. It makes me happy to think I pissed him off enough for him to waste his time on me. He certainly wasted enough of mine while we scoured for a parking spot. I even got his IP Address and Host Mask. Sure… It would be wrong for me to send him angry MS Messenger Spam, and to give him a denial of service attack … but damn it’s tempting.

So, if I had to say one thing to this guy, I think it’d be along the lines of: “Take your nice car, and get fucked …. Sir”

-Joshua Ziering

When your mom says stop soldering on top of the washing machine, she means it. I’ve done so much worse stuff, but clearly I soldered the straw that broke the camel’s back when I soldered on a washing machine that said:

(Notice my mom drew the classic ‘circle with a line through it’ but chose not to draw the soldering iron) *snicker*

-Joshua Ziering

I saw a new format for art today. I figured I’d try me hand. It’s a fun little way to do things.

-Joshua Ziering

I can now chalk up Watchung as a town I’ve almost been arrested in. I’m really surpised we got nailed, we had everything going for us. Well… not really. At first, we couldn’t find the Watchung reservation. We kept getting lost, and disoriented. Not too mention I decided, for some silly reason, to bring my brother with us.

Once we finally we got to Watchung, it was really awesome. We pulled up to a clearing in the forest where all you could see was the trees and hundreds of fireflys in the trees and bushes around. It was an AWESOME sight. I can’t think of a better way to compliment it than fireworks.

So, we break out a home made mortar, and decide to start the night’s festivities with a HUGE bottle rocket. They are called ‘pounders’ because they weigh one pound. So we’re all standing there, lighting this thing. I start running away. Dan finally gets it lit, and starts to run away. At this point, I was ready to see it fly away into the night sky. No such luck: the thing exploded on the ground REALLY fast, and REALLY loud. Scared the shit out of me. I was close enough to be like … shit.

After that we got everything going smoothly. Well not really….. We set off a whole bunch of fireworks that were really awesome. Then, someone was like, let’s set off this roman missle command candle thing. So, they light it and it starts shooting stuff. Very cool. Then it fell over…and started shooting it’s missle command things at us. As I was running away from this stupid thing, I hit Josh’s car mirror and sheered it right off the car. Someone was pushing me though.

We set off a whole bunch more fireworks. This time with more concern about where they are pointing and whatnot. Finally, we used all of the flying fireworks, and moved to a parking lot to set off the ones that said “Light on smooth flat surface”

This was probably some of the best fireworks of the night. Their were some unexpected winners in this category. It was quite the show. However, as we were pulling into the parking lot, I was getting the worst deja-vous or something. I had this dream a while back of Jon, Andy, Harry, and Myself doing fireworks. As we were driving into this parking lot, It looked JUST like the dream. So I was unable to shutup about how I felt like I’d been here before, and it ended up in cops. Everyone just kind of told me to shutup.

WELL GUESS WHAT?! Cops. Even though we had the scanner set for the watchung police, and even though we had been careful to not piss off anyone all night, this COUNTY COP was doing a REGULAR PATROL through the park. Deja vous! He was quite the character, but nothing like the Madison cops. So he took all our ID’s and whatnot. Generally he wasn’t too mean to us, and even a little bit funny. (Cops are people too.) When he rolled up we weren’t even doing any fireworks, we were inbetween blasts. So we were totally honest with him and he took our fireworks and gave us a ticket. (This is what you get for not running away.) So everyone is going to throw in 8 dollars or whatever it eventually comes out to be to cover the ticket. This cop was not pleased though. Are cops allowed to be upset over this? He was clearly upset we ruined his “quiet night”.

The best quote of the night:

Josh: “We even brought a fire extinguisher”

Cop: “Have you ever SEEN a forest fire?”

-Joshua Ziering

The fourth of July used to be my favorite holiday. I would look forward to it for weeks at a time. Fireworks made my life. Now, fireworks still make my life, but the Fourth isn’t as closely tied with them. Last night some fool was setting off fireworks about 2 blocks from my house. It was really mean because here I am walking my dog listening to all the fun this person is having.

Tonight, I suspect will be fun. I have a rendevous planned with some serious pyro-technics. This doesn’t even worry me because last night I watched this video of rich white nerds putting sodium or something into pepsi bottles, put the top on them, and then throw them. The bottles freaking EXPLODED. They took chunks out of the road. By comparison, fireworks have a fuse. Sodium is a lot of variables, and can explode at any time. So, yeah, that’s my rationale.

I started writing my stand up comedy routine for this show I said I was going to do. Last night (I just got out of bed), while browsing, I found something better than an open mic. It’s called a “Laugh Off”. Basically, a bunch of comics do like 5 minutes of shtick, then the audience votes on who they like the best. The winner receives 100 dollars. Though I’m not out for money, this is a prime place to unveil myself. Firstly because people who are actually in the business come to this place to watch new talent, and because it’s very informal. Now the only thing I have to worry about is: Am I half as funny as I hope I am?!

-Joshua Ziering

Wow. Summer. I’ve seen so many Movies in the past couple of weeks. Farenheit 9/11, Spiderman 2, Dodgeball, … And at least one minute of “Around the World in 80 Days”.

I’ve totally entered the world of the mole people too. Though, sometimes I have to get out of bed in the middle of the night (I.E. The daytime) to work. That’s pretty horrible, but the money is totally worth it. I’m not sleeping away all day, I’m doing some sort of “4 hours sleeping, then stay up until I’m tired again” plan. It’s not really good.

Summer also brings me closer to college. Everyone has a say about it too. “You’ll love it out there” “Why are you going so far?” “You’ll be back” So yeah … I could give a shit less what people think, and I wish they would stop telling me.

I picked up writing this story I started writing almost a year ago. It’s about an oil company that blows up a small town or something. I’m not really sure where I want to go with it yet.

I need a real job. (I’m calling Hacker USA on Monday for a job with their awesome motor place in AZ. Here’s to hoping.)

Speaking of hoping, I’m rebuilding my tragically lost Venus airplane. I’m naming the second one “Hope”. It’s got all kinds of meanings. But mostly because that’s where it was crashed: Hope, New Jersey.

GAH! What a horrible medley of sentences. Better posts require more sleep.

-Joshua Ziering