My Aunt Is Hot

I went and saw Constantine this weekend. It was collosal. Collosally dissapointing. The coolest part of the movie was shown on Leno. Their is this scary fucking demon thing inside this little girl. Instead of compulsively reciting “The Power of Christ Compels you” or Defaulting to Arimaic, he tells the demon “My Name Is John Constantine”. Shit. If I saw this thing coming out of this girls stomach, I’d be like “My Name Is Frank Hendrix Whore Face”. (My roomate.)

Smooth, I know.

Josh Ziering

I think education is fucking retarded. Yeah that’s right, I said it. Why does there need to be a mystery? Teach the class. Infrom the class that there will be a test. Tell the class what will be on the test. “This is what you need to know to pass this test” Give the test. Carry on. WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE SO MUCH FUCKING AMBIGUITY? IF I WANTED MYSTERY, I’D DATE A QUIET CHICK. For fuck sakes.

I’m frustrated about my religion test yesterday. I studied for HOURS. With flashcards. I memorized seventy plus hindu words. They rhymed. It was worse than death. Samadhi - highest state of meditation. Dhyana - Meditation. Brahma - “The Creator”. Vishnu - “The Preserver.” Shiva - “The Destroyer”. Trimurtri - Vishnu,Shiva,Brahma. And that was just the beginning of my pain. So I took the test. 5. 5 Words were on there. Like 5. The study guide said to memorize all 70. There were 100 questions on the test. The other 95 questions posed something of a challenge. That study guide should have looked like this:

Who is Brahma?

Who is Vishnu? Etc…

The test should have looked like:

“The Creator is…”

a) Vishnu

b) Bart

c) Brahma

d) Shiva

Maybe I need to become a teacher.

Josh Ziering

Last night, a huge dissapointment. Apparently, if you aren’t twenty one in Tempe, you’re not worth the time of day. I expected to cruise over to Mill Ave last night and find at least SOME of the school’s population intoxicated, walking around, and having a good time. Not so! I saw nearly no girls in attendance. Their were some really sketchy guys, but that’s secondary. Every single bar was packed. Every one. The street was totally empty though. This is a huge problem for this New York afficionado. What kind of scene is this?! I expected to see cops on horses. HORSES DAMNIT.

I need a fake ID.

Joshua Ziering

P.S. This post was titled after the most frustrated person I’ve seen in a movie. Samir, From Office Space

Anticipation. From the school paper today, ” Kevin Moody, a secondary education junior, said he spent Mardi Gras on Mill Avenue last year and had a “pretty crazy time.” ”

Is it wrong I have every intention to make him look like an amateur?

Joshua Ziering

Today, is Fat Tuesday. I’m not really sure what this entails, but tomorrow seems to be Ash Wednesday. I know this means that Catholics put ash on their foreheads for a day. I’m not sure where Mardi Gras falls into this picture, but for the past couple of days people here have been accumulating beads and alchohol.

It didn’t really dawn on me why this was going on. We live in Arizona. I mean … wtf. But, apparently, Mill Ave, the party center of Tempe, turns into a Louisiana Cooridor. Indecent Exposure, Consumption of alcoholic beverages, drug use, and inciting a riot. These are some of the laws I have been promised will be broken tonight. I can’t wait. Maybe I can finally have a cool college story to tell people. Something cooler than, ” I puked off a balcony”. While other guys in the dorm are setting off tonight with the expressed purpose of seeing boobs (A noble cause), I think my goal is to try and keep an open mind.

I fear for my 8:40 class. (Not missing it, but attending it.)

Joshua Ziering

I spent the day with my Dad. Showed him my old pad, my new digs, and my planes. It was great. We went to dinner at Los Olivos or something. It was reallllyyyy good. Clearly the best part of the night.

Especially since afterwards. I got shaving creamed because I fell asleep with the door open. That was bad. This picture was taken as I was waking up and realizing I was just thoroughly pranked.

Then, I decide to go clean up and hang around, since I am up and all pumped up. So I wash my face, and brush my teeth. What is their to do after that? Start drinking of course! So I start sipping on a beer. It was gross because I had just brushed my teeth, but I figured that would go away after the first couple sips. Not so much.

So we’re standing outside, on the balcony, and I decide that I am going to be sick. I start puking off of the side of the balcony. As in, “geronimo”, “look out below”. Clearly, the best part of this was that nobody skipped a beat when I started spewing. They kept right on chuggin. In fact, while I was spewing they were asking me questions as if nothing were happening at all. Having someone ask you if you want to buy their Gap Gift card while you are puking really can broaden your view.

So, tonight sucked. Really bad. When the guys on the balcony asked how many beers I had, and I replied “one”, They laughed. When they noticed I drank only half of it, they balled. I suggested that my new nickname should be ‘Half Pint’.

Here’s to hoping.

Joshua Ziering

I thought some more about why I hate college. I still hate it for all of the reasons listed in the previous post, but I thought up some other stuff that makes sense. I am ill prepared for real life. I can’t focus. I don’t ever finish anything I start. And I have no organization skills, so I keep getting blindsided by stuff. I tried keeping this little tiny notebook with a todo list in it with me, but I keep forgetting it or leaving it places. Here is how my day goes, so you can understand my stuggle.

1. Fight with alarm clock for 20 minutes.
2. Get up, go to take shower.
3. Note there is very little soap, remember to put in notebook.
4. Finish shower. Note towel smells like it needs to be washed. Remember to put in notebook.
5. Start to get dressed, note laundry must be done since their are no clean socks. Remember to put in notebook.
6. Wear sandals to class, making feet cold and killing efficiency for walking. Arrive 3 minutes late to class.
7. Try not to focus on my cold feet.
8. Try not to focus on stupid groupmates who think it’s high school and won’t shutup.
9. Try to focus on teacher.
10. Notice stupid group mate takes really nice pretty notes. Smile at her. Need to ask her for notes later. Remember to put in notebook.
11. Avoid thinking about stupid groupmates.
12. Try to focus on teacher.
13. Remember you didn’t type up the last set of notes for this class. Try to read them, but remember you need to focus on teacher. Remember to put in notebook.
14. Find elusive wall street journal subscription card in back of text book. Contain jubilation. Try not to think of lame story that the cantor at temple used to tell all culminating in: “Son, had you opened the book…”.
15. Think of story so I won’t think of not thinking about it.
16. Try to focus on teacher.
17. Remember the card needs to be mailed. Remember to put in notebook.
18. Mouth is drying out. Stupid listerine toothpaste sucks. Need to revert to AIM ToothPaste. Remember to put in notebook.
19. Try not to think about water!
20. Class ends. Pack up your stuff.
21. Leave.
22. Go back to see if your hat is still there.
23. Find hat, leave again.
24. Walk back to dorm, cursing lack of clean socks. Remember to put in notebook.
25. Mull over class. Wish you had took better notes. Need to call pretty notes girl. Remember to put in notebook.
26. Arrive at dorm. Room is a mess, it needs to be cleaned.
27. Start cleaning.
28. Put on music to hide monotony.
29. Notice your Itunes library has a lot of lame music in it that needs to be removed. Remember to put in notebook.
30. Notice you have new email. Check it. Nothing good.
31. Resume cleaning.
32. Get distracted by something falling off your shelf. Yesterday’s untyped noteds. I swear I was to remember to put that in my notebook.
33. Look at notebook.
34. It reads: “1) Buy Soap”
35. Yell Obscenities.
36. Get pissed off at how poorly I run my life, and start blogging.

I should mention, it’s not yet 11:00am.

josh

I think I hate college. I don’t know what I am doing here. I’m clearly out of place. I’m just not cut out for this. It wreaks of the same grade mongering, group working, covert cheating, dishonest, lying, screwing the other guy bullshit of high school. Not to mention everyone is stupid. Nobody wants to talk about anything deeper than Sportscenter, and can’t get past the simple stereotypes of popularity. I don’t want to be generic, I don’t want to wear pink. I don’t want to watch sportscenter. And I certainly don’t like 50 cent.

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

josh

White people piss me off. In a serious fucking way. They just don’t get pissed.

I was just listening to my roomates music, and one song starts “Em (Referring to notorious white rapper Eminem), You know you my favorite white boy right?” That’s fucked up. If I started my rock song with “Fiddy, You know you my favorite black guy right?” I’d be tupac’ed. I’d be biggie’ed. I’d straight up be sug nighted. (Translation: Someone would kill my scrawny ass.)

I don’t like the idea of making people favorites by their race. “Hey Owmuck! You’re my favorite Eskimoan, You know that right?”

Happy Black History Month or something.

Joshua Ziering