My Aunt Is Hot

I came up with a new Axe body spray commercial. I have way too much creativity to be not doing anything of consequence with my life. I want a cool job. Now.

Man getting dressed listening to queen we are the champions of the world.

Douses himself in Axe Bodyspray.

Puts on all black clothing.

Cut to man carjacking a young woman, smoking hot. She drives a Jetta.

“Get out of the car lady!”

Man drives away fast.

Cut to man wrecking the car into a tree.

He gets out of the car, looks suspicious and runs off into the forest.

A police officer rolls by, and gets on his radio. “This is 4-19….”

Cut to a cop showing the lady her car.

“Yeah, I’m sorry mam, but it’s been totaled. We just need you to tell us if it’s yours”

Cut to passenger seat perspective.

Woman pokes her head in the car, catches a whiff of the seat, and at first just pets it. “my poor car”.

Woman begins to rub the seat. “I bet you could use a big hug”

Woman starts molesting the seat in that patented Axe way.

Cut to black.

“The Axe Effect”.

Trying to avoid “Gonzo Journalism”,

Josh

While changing the music the other night, I had a chance encounter with “God”.

-Josh Ziering

Since the last post, I can safely say I have been the sickest I have been in my entire life. It was horrible. I could barely leave my room. However, those few days provided some time to do some really serious thinking. Really serious. In a moment of unbelievable lucidity, which occurred after several days of a fever well over 101, it came to me.

I have figured out hip hop. It wasn’t hard really. It took a lot of sweating, and some unfortunate dreams about Nelly, but I boiled it down to one essential element: Rappers hate plurals. It was so simple it hit me like a freight train. I spent the next several days considering the repercussions of uncovering such a scandal. Perhaps I would be assasinated. Perhaps. Or maybe they would write a song about me. I know one of my favorite rappers, “Fat Joe” wrote a song entitled “Fuck 50″ where he talks about all the different ways he’s going to kill rapper 50 cent. Maybe Fat Joe likes plurals?

Whatever the case:

“I’mma keep shinin homie til my heart stop. ”

-50 Cent

Josh

The reader should note the following are among the non-hated plurals by rappers: Bitches, Hoes, G’s, and 20’s. Thank you.

Chief executive of Verizon Wireless Ivan Seidenberg mabe should consider taking some classes in public relations. It’s clear he’s no politician. In the San Francisco Chronicle this weekend Seidenberg is quoted as saying,

“Why in the world would you think your (cell) phone would work in your house?” he asked. “The customer has come to expect so much. They want it to work in the elevator, they want it to work in the basement.” Said Seidenberg.

Well Ivan, let me shed a little perspective your way. My name is Joshua Ziering, I’m 19 years old, and I have no idea where I will be in the next 10 minutes. I live a life of spontaneity. My cell phone is the on the short list of things I won’t leave the house without. I’d rank it somewhere just below deodorant. Deodorant Ivan. You’ve managed to create a product and a service that competes with not smelling. In my mind, that’s a slam dunk.

But why is it so important my cell phone link me to the outside world regardless of where I am? In 10 minutes, I could be in a basement party somewhere just South of Tempe. In an hour I could be in the middle of the desert in front of a roaring campfire. Safety reasons asides, why would I want a cellphone to work under these conditions? Girls Ivan, Girls. It’s trite, I’ll concede to that. However, your service has changed forever the way a guy like myself gets numbers. Rather than doing some sort of ‘quid pro quo’ exchange reminiscent of a horror movie; You simply get a girl to call you. This gives her your number, and when she calls you, you get her number. Then you don’t have to sit there like a dork typing in her name and here location, and her number. You just do it later. This way nobody casts shame on you for being really adept at typing on a phone.

So, Ivan, I hope that I’ve put a little bit of sense into your frustrated executive ranting. Because, you really have no real idea what was happening in that elevator before I asked that girl for her number. And that’s the whole theme here:

You never know.

Josh

http://www.axcessnews.com/national_041705.shtml

DMX arrested again. My R/C Helicopter idol, once again incarcerated for stupid automotive stuff. I shed small tear when I read that. Small.

Josh

Recent AP News feeds indicate that Ms. Britney Spears is pregnant. The most disturbing part of this is the implication that Kevin Federline, backup dancer extroadinare managed to have sex with Britney. Accusations of homosexuality aside, Kevin: good job.

Jos

I caught this today on page 6 of the New York Post.

” April 3, 2005 — A HATTIESBURG, Miss., policewoman and her husband found out the hard way how popular Dave Chappelle’s Comedy Central show is - especially his catch phrase, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” Diane James’ husband, Rick James, is running for Hattiesburg City Council. She wrote to Comedy Central: “Due to the popularity of the Dave Chappelle show, people keep stealing our ‘Vote Rick James’ yard signs … we would appreciate a small campaign donation for more signs, as we are working-class people and financing this campaign out of our own pockets. Each time a sign is stolen, it costs us $4.75! Every time a ‘Rick James’ piece runs on your show, we stand to lose dozens of signs overnight, which end up decorating people’s front yards and dorm rooms … the yard signs have been spotted at least 100 miles from our home by truckers … Also, young children on bikes scream, ‘I’m Rick James, bitch!’ as we drive by in our car with our ‘Rick James’ car signs … People even drive by our home and scream, ‘Super Freak.’” No word on whether Comedy central will pitch in for more signs. ”

I laughed, and I laughed. For those of you looking to take away sound bites from this:

“Also, young children on bikes scream, ‘I’m Rick James, bitch!’ as we drive by in our car with our ‘Rick James’ car signs”

On a side note, I’ve decided I’m finally at a point in my life where I can make my desktop background porn, and not feel guilty for it.

Josh