My Aunt Is Hot

The days are all starting to slide together now. It’s remarkable, how sleeping is by no means any way to mediate a life, but somehow I find myself repeatedly meddled by it. I slept for 18 consecuetive hours the other day, but only 6 during this last day.

I find myself arriving in strange places at strange times. The other night I woke up on the couch, with very little idea about how I fell asleep with my legs hanging off the couch. This wasn’t a comfy couch curl up nap, this was a viciously gripping piece of sleep. I had no idea what I was watching before the sleep, but I woke up to a gentleman trying to sell me on how to sell real estate with no start-up capital. The question begs to be asked, if this is such a good idea, and “Proposterously Profitable”, Why in the fuck isn’t he doing this instead of making me question my sanity at 4:45 in the morning?

So the other night my friend Ashley and I smoked, in the freezing cold, outside, in the wind. It was pretty miserable, but the payoff was that we got to watch the Nip/Tuck Season Finale, which was spectacular. That show continues to impress. And for the record, I knew Quentin was the carver the whole time. And halfway through I knew the skank murder investigator (Who I’d be all about too) was in cahoots with him. After the show, we watched some of Gremlins 2. So glorious. I love Gizmo. He’s adorable, and so capable. While watching, I noticed something I hadn’t before: Duder: “We’ll put up a huge sheet over the building so the Gremlins think it’s night time.” Other Duder: “Well, the sun goes down at 7:22, when should we put the sheet up?” Duder: “So… about 4:20.” I laughed, and I laughed.

While watching Gremlins, we made a quick snack stop. If you’ve never tried blue jello and whip cream before, please do, it’s amazing. Jello is quite possibly the perfect food ever for late night Gremlin endeavors.
Joshua Ziering

Something I just added to my stand up act that I thought up under several influences. It’s fictional, but the point is there.

“My girlfriend got mad at me for being one of those Stand Up Comedians who pick on the audience because one day she got picked on at a club. I said to her, “Well, you were probably being a stupid Cunt.” Thusly, I solved my girlfriend problem.”

The moral of the story? Don’t be a stupid cunt.
Joshua Ziering

Sometimes I love coming home. Other times I can’t believe I willfully returned to New Jersey. It’s a very serious dichotomy. I can’t ever see myself being here again for more than a holiday. It’s just too much. Too Cold, Too Dark, Too Dreary, and certainly Too Dirty. At what point can I accept a quality of life that includes Snow, Hurricanes, Rain, Wind, and Hail? Not at this point.

After a relatively easy flight home, I came home and promptly packed a bag for the city. I set off in the face of a transit strike. I didn’t really use any of the trains that were controlled by said strikers, but I felt it brave in some way or another. Ultimately, I made it to my friend Ashley at NYU. Donning two sweatshirts and some long pajamas was a smart idea, since I’ve discovered I no longer fit in any of my old winter time apparell.

I’m not sure there is any other way to describe New York, but as the Best City in the whole entire world. It’s awesome. When I got to Ashley’s Dorm we hung around there for a little while, and then suddenly found ourselves starving to death. Like, super hungry. This, is where New York has the advantage over everywhere in the entire world: We walked for a half hour across town to this Pizza place called Roll-N-Roasters. Cheap Beer, Little Pizzas. We split a pitcher of beer and two little spicy pizzas. It was perfect. I’ve never eaten better pizza or drank better beer. The most hilarious part was they carded me, and I had no ID. So we drank this whole pitcher out of one 6 oz. Glass.

Needless to say, the trip back to her dorm was a little bit more difficult than the trip from her dorm. It wasn’t the influence that was the problem, because I’m a tank. It was the reduced resistance to cold. They say drinking alcohol makes you hotter. I say it only makes ugly chicks hotter. In any case, we made it back, Partook of some more festivities (One of which included me shamelessly hitting on her really hot and apparently really smart asian roomate. It also included me figuring out her roomate wasn’t into tall dumb boys from Arizona.) and settled into bed. I slept in her roomates bed. It was a little weird, but her roomate has a comfortable bed, it had a lot of blankets and a nice thin pillow; the kind that doesnt get so fucking hot when you lay on it and doesnt make your neck hurt in the morning. I watched some of American Pie 2. I find myself liking Stiffler more the more I watch him. He’s a jackass, and I aspire to be like him.

I dont remember what time I fell asleep, or even how the TV got turned off, or where I was. I was a little startled to wake up to people in the room, and city noise outside. I sleep with my door locked, and I rarely hear more than a smelly barking or a Cessna over the house. It was a good little change to be woken up to “You need to hit this”. And hit it I did. I took the train home. They’re amazing. I love sitting there watching New Jersey whizz by. Where else will you see marshes, rivers, the NYC skyline, and Urban New Jersey? Nowhere. Put on some music, watch the world fly by, it’s awesome.

When I got off the train, I saw Bustrin, a teacher of mine, drive by. It was hilarious. I walked right from the train to my favorite bagel place. The guys there made fun of me for piercing my lip, which grows more infected with each passing day and I grow more stubborn with each passing day. I sat there, and ate one of the most glorious Tuna Melts of my entire life. The more I think about it, the more I can see myself opening a New York style restaraunt in Phoenix. Tuna Melts are probably the most amazing food known to man, and at the moment, I was eating the best Tuan Melt in the entire world.

So that was my first 24 hours at home. This might be a good break.Joshua Ziering