Bad Boys.
So… Im sitting in my garage, airbrushing some airplane I’m going to take to a contest in a few days when I hear all this shit going on outside. First I hear cars going really fast, sirens, the dog barking, then silence. However the dog is still freaking out. Through the windows of the garage, I can see red and blue lights.
I don’t know what it is about red and blue lights, but I felt like a moth to the flame. I couldn’t resist, I really wanted to see what the hell was going on. So I open the garage and start to mosey. I see a cop sitting there at the end of the street in his car just chilling. I figured there was some bad ass downed powerline or something. So as I’m walking towards the end of the street, he shines his little spotlight on me. I probably should have taken this as a sign and turned back, but no! I pressed on. So as I start to round the corner to see this smoldering powerline, or crazy flipped over car, the cop car door opens, and the cop gets out. As he’s walking towards me he says, What’s your name partner?” He was a large guy. A really large guy. He didn’t have a uniform on either, he was one of those “necklace cops” who wear there badge around there neck. Like Vick Mackey.
I answer him, really calm and cool, in my wonderful weird ‘O’ way I stole from Mr. Novemsky: “Jaahsh”
He apparently didn’t like the answer, because he sounded more pissed off, quickened his walk, and said , ” What’s your last name”.
I just told him, “Ziering”, just as calm and as cool as before. I thought I was being really courteous and cooperative.
At this point he was just a few steps from me. I figured he was coming over to give me the courtesy of not making me yell my answers across the street. So as he walks up to me, he took a step forward and did some kind of karate move on me. He grabbed me with his really big hand around the back of my neck, and put my right arm behind me . It was really sudden, I could see why a cop would need a move like this.
Naturally, when someone grabs you unexpectedly, you struggle, and say “HOLY FUCK DUDE WHAT THE FUCK!”. He pinched my neck and was like, “Relax! relax!”. At this point I was pretty unrelaxed. And somewhat shocked. He starts walking me over to the hood of the car by this collar of a hand on my neck. He hadn’t even explained himself yet and I found myself feeling incredibly guilty, even though I had done absolutely nothing wrong. As he’s walking me over to the hood of the car, he starts fucking interrogating me, in a most illegal way.
“Why you running?” He barked.
In disbelief of the situation unfolding around me, I said the only thing that came to mind, “What?! I wasn’t running. We were talking just a second ago.”
Then he said it again, even more pissed off, “Why you running from us?!” At this point, I had a thought creep into my mind from watching countless hours of cops really fucked up, and laughing at the guys getting beat. It started to boil to the surface of my conciousness: He knew I wasn’t running, but he was saying this so the dashboard cam would hear it. He was saying it as a predecessor to the same things all cops say when they are beating the shit out of someone, “STOP RESISTING!”.
I was starting to sweat profusely. I made sure to speak up when I said, “I DEFINITELY WAS NOT RUNNING JUST NOW.” I was having a good old fashioned freak out. Then he asked me if I had ID on me, but before I could answer he started going through my pockets. He found my wallet in my back pocket. As he’s opening it up I thought it might not be a bad opportunity to interject, “And if I WAS running I certainly wouldn’t run to a cop, tell him my name, and then let him grab me. He nodded, which I think was his way of telling me I had a good point. But I guess cops are, understandably, really paranoid, because he said, “Hey You never know.” I almost suggested he play the new York Lottery, but I didn’t think he would get it.
Apparently he was starting to believe that, surprise!, I wasn’t actually running. I’m not sure whether it was the lack of heavy breathing, the lack of sweating, or the fact that I was walking when he saw me? I dunno.
Then he asked me what it was I was doing before he saw me. I hesitated a second, then I played my winning hand. “I was building model airplanes in my garage, when I heard all this stuff going on outside, so I figured something cool was going on. I see your car at the end of the street, then the next thing I know you have a death grip on me and I’m inspecting the paint on the hood of your car.” Ace in the hole.
He tosses my wallet at me, says, “Well, you matched a description.” Then he gets this radio call saying they saw the suspect running through some field. He peeled off. I stood in the middle of the street for a few minutes reflecting on what had just happened. In conclusion, I just don’t get along well with cops.
Joshua Ziering