Drinking For Two.
Sometimes, my mouth gets me in trouble. Big trouble. I feel like I’m missing some filter, or good sense that keeps me from saying stupid things. Maybe it’s a skill and I just haven’t developed it yet? I feel like part of my appeal is that I can shoot from the hip and talk extemporaneously. If I start censoring, it’s going to seriously hinder my appeal as a “smooth operator”.
Anyhow. The other night, I found myself, and the roommates at the local dive bar. The roommates, don’t possess my talent of the ‘gift of gab’. In fact, I’d say they sometimes make the room quieter by being in it. They’re good guys though. And they’re hilarious to hangout with. I think half of the fun is that they are shy, whereas … I’m not.
At some point, one of them told me to “Fetch”. She was an attractive lady, in her late 20’s, standing by herself. I was to find her name, status, and bring her back to the roost. My main strategy for talking to random people is to talk about random things. I find that I have absolutely no problem talking about nothing, to anyone. It’s a talent.
As I’m walking over to this lady, I notice she’s holding two beers, both of the girly variety. They were fruited. One was about half finished, the other was just getting started. I figured she probably just had the next batter in the box ready to go. So, I walk up to her, and before my stupid brain realized what my stupid mouth was saying, I said: “Hey. I’m Josh. <Exchange pleasantries> So… I’ve heard of eating for two, but are you drinking for two?”
The intention of my comment was merely to find out if she was alone, or perhaps with a girly friend. Naturally the worst case scenario is that she’s holding her husband’s beer, even though she didn’t have a ring on. However, the best intentions are fraught with disappointment. Apparently, when you accuse someone of drinking for two, you are calling them pregnant. This chick wasn’t pregnant. Shit, she wasn’t even fat. There was no conceivable way this could misconstrued as me calling her fat, especially since I asked in such a lighthearted way. Apparently my question was so offensive, it didn’t even warrant a response. She just gave me that really really fast blinking that you do when you are in complete shock and don’t believe something. Then she turned away from me. So, as I’m starting my walk of shame, a man comes over to her. He’s wearing a ring. She hands him his beer.
“Boys, let’s get the fuck out of here.”
Joshua Ziering