My Aunt Is Hot

Is anyone else ridiculously attracted to the girl from the new Death Cab For Cutie video? I’d marriage her ass.

I have such random weaknesses.

And here is the video where she treks around the world all hot like:

I bought a pair of shoes last summer that I consider to be trusted allies. They’re my favorites, and oing with the theme of “Favorites” this week, I decided to try and replace them with the same, or a similar pair of shoes. Apparently, in one year, a lot has changed in the illustrious world of Men’s shoe fashion. Not that I have ever been very fashionable. Here are my main criteria when shopping for a shoe:

• Doesn’t weigh 12 million pounds
• Makes good use of color
• Very Comfortable
• Doesn’t encourage people to make incorrect assumptions about my sexuality.
• Durable enough to hold up to the many asses I kick. (I have a similar requirement about pens I use to be able to hold up to all the names I take, but I digress…)
• Not Lame.

I don’t think this is an unreasonable set of demands for something I have to wear for the better part of my waking life for a while. In fact, I think that’s pretty easy going. Regardless, a trip to the mall had me reeling in disgust.

For the record, I’m not a professional motocross rider. I’ve never made any claim to be one. However, it seems that pretending you ride freestyle motocross is the newest hippest fad along with pretending you’re an ultimate fighter. If you’re looking for 20 of the same shoes, slightly tweaked to prevent idiots from seeing they’re all essentially the same, consult your local mall. Pictured Top Right, is pretty much what I was confronted with at every single store: Black and white with black and some squiggly black or white highlighted with black. Or white.

What’s a guy to do? Call bullshit on the myth that “Well, I can’t do any better”. I bought a pair of White Vans for 30 bucks, broke out my airbrush (A Badger 155 Airbrush), and held up the finger to conformity. I did some planning in photoshop (Pictured Right) but once the paint started flowing, creativity took over a little bit. Below are some pictures I took while painting my new kicks. If you have any questions, don’t be afraid to leave them in the comments. Click to see the larger version.

The shoes turned out VERY vivid and bright. Not really how I envisioned them looking, but I made them, they’re EXACTLY what I want, and they cost me 1/3 of what “The Man’s” shoes would have cost, and if I want, I can still go pro with my freestyle motocross riding.

I like to feel prolific. I think everyone does. It’s unfortunate that girls will never know how prolific it is to pee all over things. Sometimes, you just have to douse something.

After a night of drinking, and closing down the bars, my friend Ryan and I found ourselves on Mill Ave. a little bit intoxicated, and very in need of a bathroom. If you’ve ever been to Mill you know that once the bars close, that’s it. It’s like a ghost town. Their are no bathrooms to be had. With over 5,280 feet to my house, I had to take desperate measures. We started walking, and passed a parking garage. I told my friend Ryan that I’d be right back, and started descending into said parking garage.

I’m a little bit of a shy pee-er, I really like my privacy. Even when drunk. So as I’m descending the second set of stairs I hear — THWACK - crumble. Apparently Ryan hucked a boulder off the top of the stairs into the stairwell. Just for giggles. I’d have laughed, but I’d have wet myself.

I find myself in the bottom floor of this three story parking garage, standing in an empty corner, fly down, teeth whistling, and posed like a drunken referee indicating a field goal. I was peeing like there was a fire, and I was extinguishing that shit. I felt prolific.

Just about the time I zip up my pants, and start to move towards the stairs, I see the door open. I see two “TEAM Security” guys walk out. And I say to myself “Oh Shit”. I slowly dig my right hand into my pocket and fumble for my keys. As I’m pulling them out of my pants, I hear one of them say, “What’s going on Sir?”

As I turn to them with a “Oh, you’re talking to me” look, I slowly raise my arm, keys in hand, and start to jingle them slightly as if I’m pressing the button on my car alarm. The rub here is that I do not have a car alarm. I was not even parked in the garage, but I kept jingling like I was waiting for a “Woop Woop”.

The other security gaurd, in what I can only imagine was a carefully rehearsed “Good Cop, Bad Cop” act recited, “What were you doing over there?”

I answered with what seemed to be the most sensible answer, “I’m looking for my car. It’s blue. I parked it somewhere around here” . “Well, their aren’t even any cars in this section of the garage. In fact, It’s been closed all day. And, what happened in the corner over there?” He said gesturing towards this massive puddle slowly creeping it’s way from the corner.

I gave him my professional opinion, “Looks like you have a pipe leaking. I’d get that checked out.” Which, in retrospect, wasn’t as outlandish as it seemed at the time. The quieter of the two security gaurds said, “Ok, let’s go”. I started walking up the stairs and as I got to the part where my eyes were level with the ground, I saw Ryan giving me the international sign for “WE NEED TO DIP THE FUCK OUT OF HERE”. I turned to both of the security gaurds, and I said, “You guys should keep up.” As they looked back at me puzzled I started taking steps 4 at a time. I wasn’t just fast, I was running at the speed of [bud] light.

Needless to say, I’ll find a tree or something next time. I should have learned, this hasn’t been my first run in with urinary delinquency.

Everyone has them. Not assholes or elbows, not opinions: favorites. I have favorites of everything. Favorite socks, favorite couch spot, favorite toothpaste. Pretty much, if their is a decision to be made, I’ve evaluated all the other options, and have ranked them in some fashion, producing a favorite. However, there is something awesome: When you have more than one favorite. I found this situation occurring recently after I finished folding a load of laundry. I was on my way out for the evening and realized in front of me lay pretty much every piece of clothing I wear, and all of it was clean. It was like Christmas morning. I had my pick of the litter, and in a little bit of a gluttonous splurge, I wore 2 shirts, one over the other.