My Aunt Is Hot

Ok, 12 hours after prom is over, I’m ready to tell it’s story. The battle is still raging apparently as my sister came into my room and said “How do you spell Amy’s last name?! Julie says that Jorge didn’t come home last night” …

Pre-prom was a little ridiculous. My Dad and I argued for a while whether or not James bond would wear a vest. After careful consideration of the mental damage this would cause for the next 10 years if I didn’t wear the vest, I wore the vest. My dad insisted on taking some lame pictures of me in the back yard. Suddenly he felt like he was a professional photographer. “Why don’t you lean against the tree?” It’s bad enough I had to be in that hot tuxedo with my family. It made me particularly venemous.

Having previously dropped off my car at Kmart in West Orange, I took the truck to Magda’s house. There, we took more pictures. Finally, we all came back to my house and went to Anna’s house. This was quite possibly the most obnoxious event I have ever attended. Imagine a pretend papparazzi of parents. Imagine obnoxious ass photos. “Ok now all the boys, Ok now all the girls. Ok, now boys with girls…. ok, Now again” This all while a HUGE FUCKING Expedition was in front of her house. The stretched Hummer had the air conditioning broken. What a shame.

When we finally got into the car, Ashley, Magda, Jamal and I all sat in the back. Their was like a little section for like handicapped people or something. I figured…I qualify on the basis of craziness. So we sat there for the little ride to West Orange. In true gangster fashion we turned up the stereo (Nearly blowing me away) and rolled up into the prom bass blaring.

Prom was awesome. I ate, I drank, I danced. Yeah I know. I danced. I had a true revelation. I will never see these people again, ever. So I danced. And danced. And danced some more. And I thought to myself, “Why was this such a big deal before?”

The DJ at the prom was classy as hell. He had the dance floor shaking … literally. The chandeliers too. I don’t think Mayfair farms knew how bad ass of a school we were. I knew though. My favorite part asked: “Are their any Hatians in the house?!” To which an uproarious yell went up, from a staggering number of people. Not only that, but they were throwing up gang signs. Go gangs! I was saddened, just a little, he didn’t ask “Are their any white people in the house?!” Or “Are their any Jews in the house!?” or “Can I get a holla from my atheist brothers?!” It’s not a big deal though. I was happy to identify as a bad ass hatian gang member.

Desert was one of the best parts of prom. Since I have an allergy to nuts, I can’t eat cakes and cookies and stuff from places like Mayfair farms because I have no idea what’s in it or if it was made with/near nuts. I wasn’t worried. They had: A chocolate fountain. Yes, that’s right, a fountain, of chocolate that you could put fruit into. It was awesome. AWESOME.

I left prom shortly after they played some song that made everyone go absolutely CRAZY, and it felt like an earthquake. Clearly, at that point, I was out of my element. My ethnic dancing range goes somewhere from just above Havah Nagilah to just below “I’m going to beat this bitch with a bat.” (I heard that in a song at some point last night.)

After prom we went to the city. Specificially to the comedy cellar. I drove, for the first time to the city. I don’t know if I’ll ever do it again. We made it in record time to the Holland Tunnel. There, we spent an hour. Just waiting. Only one lane was open. I now understand road rage. On the way we saw a limo from CHS waiting just like we were. At least we weren’t the only one.

Once we finally got to the place, I saw some of the raunchiest comedy I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I laughed my ass off, but sometimes only in shock. I knew we were TOTALLY going to be blown away when we walked in and the VERY first thing I heard was “Who here has slept with a homeless guy?” It was a hilarious half hour. (I do wish though, that we had gotten there sooner to see Jim Florentine.)

So, after the club we walked back to the car and started driving, not fully knowing where we were going. Apparently, you can’t just reverse mapquest directions in the city. But then, We saw the limo that we saw going into the Holland Tunnel with us! Yes! So we start following it. Turns out they were gong to “Yaffa Cafe” Doh! I asked the guy how to get back to the tunnel, and he gave me good directions. It all worked out. Once we were back in Jersey, we went to get food at the Broadway Diner in Summit. It was really good.

And that was prom. It was awesome.

-Joshua Ziering

I went to the flower store yesterday to buy a corsage for my prom date, Magda. I don’t know if I can effectively convey how I felt inside that store, but I can try. First, let me illustrate my knowledge of flowers: They are pretty. Often times, they smell nice. Roses are red. Flowers happen in the spring time.

Ok, armed with that knowledge I went into that flower store. As I was walking in, these people in the back were arguing really LOUD. I don’t know what they were arguing about in a flower store. Flowers fix fights, not cause them. Anyhow, I asked the lady to buy a corsage. And so it began… She was like, Would you like a corsage or a wristlet? I asked her … what’s the difference. She pointed at her wrist, said some words, and then pointed at her chest, said some more words and then asked, So what do you want? I told her just give me what every other clueless guy has been getting there prom date. “So a wristlet it is!” Then she starts in with the colors. Not only did she confuse me with colors, but she started listing the kinds of flowers that come in that color. Ugh.

It was a trying 4 minutes, but I walked out of that flower store twenty five dollars lighter and with a receipt for a corsage….rather, a wristlet.

So as to how I felt inside that store, I think I can sum it up in one horribly uncomfortable situation:

A kosher Jewish woman, lost, unknowingly wanders into the Nude Homosexual Christian Butchers and Non-monagamous Arabic Cheese Farmers convention.

-Joshua Ziering

I just got home from Graduation rehearsal. What a terrible experience. A whole auditorium full of people who don’t want to be there, have nothing to lose by being idiots, and are generally annoying. No wonder people hate teenagers. I hate them too.

I haven’t been sleeping like a regular person (Look at some of the blog entry times) so … I’m not quite sure whether I should be sleeping, or up, or whatever. Right now I feel like it’s the middle of the night for me. It’s a shame too, the weather is a fab 80 degrees and their is ZERO wind. I’m almost too tired to drive. Which means I’m way too tired to fly model planes. This must sound terrible, but it’s true. Driving is hard, but not as hard as airplanes. Consider thinking in 3 Axis with 4 proportional controls. Cars are stop and go … airplanes are a little rudder with full aileron deflection and down elevator with variable throttle…. all while keeping an eye on the impending stall.

-Joshua Ziering

Removed at Jacob’s Request.
-Joshua Ziering

So I got out of bed at 4 this afternoon. After getting over the “Amtrak Effect” (When you feel like you’ve been hit by a train.) that I deal with everyday, I realized I was leaving to go to the city in like an hour to go see Ashley do some stand-up comedy.

After a quick shower, I got picked up. We took the 5:47 from South Orange that took us right to Penn Station. From there, it was just a hop on the 1 & 9 Uptown to the “Stand Up New York Comedy Club”. It was a quaint little place, packed with table, a microphone, and a wall that was just a mirror to make it look bigger.

The show was, for the most part, funny and entertaining. Some of the little kids were shamelessly whoring themselves for an agent, but, that’s show business. Seeing all these people up there (Those that weren’t 10 anyhow) made me realize that: “Yes, I want to do stand up comedy”. It’s a good match for me as it encompasses all of the things I like to do anyway: Perform on stage, make weird observations, make people laugh, and lastly, write. You can’t just say one day you’re going to be a comic, You have to write stuff. Luckily I have quite a back log of stuff. So, two and a half hours into this day of June 17th, I vow before I leave for college, to do at least one set of stand up comedy.

That said, I edited this really cool video for my brother. It’s an airplane that he got sent for free to beta test (damn him) and I tried to make a bad ass video to show how bad ass he is. The music I chose for the background is “Sit down, Stand up” by Radiohead. I have been, somewhat unknowingly, walking around my house the past couple of days muttering something about the raindrops. I figured I should draw from the delerium to make my work better. The video is available: Here.

Someone in my house made the mistake of buying refreshing, delicious, Coke in a convenient 24 pack. I haven’t even graduated yet and I’ve made the switch from regular people living to nocturnal living. It’s odd. It’s also hard to find stuff on TV sometimes late at night. Prom is in like … 5 days. I haven’t even given it the slightest thought. I’m looking for something to do after prom that won’t be reminiscent of every single movie about teenagers I’ve seen in my whole life.

-Joshua Ziering

P.S. I’ve started signing my posts Joshua … Because I realized the other day Josh Ziering is very hard to say. The transition from S to Z would be difficult for even the most skilled speaker.

Clearly, I’ve stopped archiving things into ‘The Archives’ and have just decided to create some mammoth webpage. I dont really care enough about it to go through all the work of shuffling everything around monthly. Ces’t la vive.

Memorial Day weekend was crazy. I can barely remember half of it. Not because I was drunk, just because it was boring. I mean, sure, their were parties in Montclair and in South Orange, both of which I went to. However, the real highlight was the Parnassian Cast Party. Steve is an amazing Chef, and has once again outdone himself. He made rack of lamb. It was amazing. I’ve never eaten anything like it. He even made this shrimp appetizer thing, and I felt so emboldened (a word?) by his cooking I tried it. I ate it all. I’m truly a sophisticated person now: eating shrimp. I also found a way scourn every jew ever. Shelllll Fishhhh bitches.

I did some more ASU work today. ASU East is about 25 miles from the ASU main campus. I’m still determined to take classes there. Why not pursue something I’ve always wanted to do? I should have been this passionate and focused when I was applying to college. I should have been this way when I started high school! Damnit, Why did it take 4 years to become a person who finally cares about what they are doing, where they are going, how they are getting there, and what they’ll do when they get there?

What the hell am I going to do out west all by myself? I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea. Too late now I suppose. Play the cards you’re dealt….

“I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swear you saw yourself…” - Vindicated, Dashboard Confessional

-Josh Ziering

I spent the whole day today in ISS. I managed to write my paper for poetry. I feel as though it’s sub-par. It’s disjointed, isolated, and boring. Much like me as of late.

If I had a gun, I would have sprayed my brains all over the wall. However, I still beat the system. One day of sitting wanting to kill myself rather than a whole semester of sitting there wanting to kill myself. Though,I’m finding less and less joy in shafting ‘the man’.

Still no word on what the hell I’m going to do about school.

I managed to pay 120 dollars for prom tickets today. I barely made it in time with just enough money. Ms. Curi Lawrence went nuts as I was buying my tickets yelling about how no more tickets would be sold etc etc etc… So I made a point to toss my money on the girl selling the tickets and proclaim, “SHE ALREADY TOOK MY MONEY!” This was after I told the girl selling me the ticket that my date’s name was Thomas. (Her look was priceless)

It worked. So now I’m on a crash course with a corsage, a tux, a date, and destiny.

-Josh Ziering

Well, Many new interesting things of late.

Firstly, I am now an officially published author. So… eat it every teacher who said I suck at life. The article features the same picture from a couple months back of DMX and I rocking out at the R/C Airplane Expo.

Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail telling me where I will be living next year. Their were a couple of interesting parts to it. Firstly, I’ll be living in a co-ed dorm. That’s a little weird… but not that weird. The weird part is that I’ll potentially have a girl room mate. That’s weird… I barely get along with my sister who is 7, and I see her like 5 minutes a day. Could I live with a girl I wasn’t … involved with? I may have to.

So that’s a bummer. I also found out that the ammenities include: a volleyball court, and a nice field outside of the dorm. Besides the fact that I was always amazing in gym volley ball with Coach C, The field outside is AWESOME. That means I can roll out of my bed, and FLY AIRPLANES. All day. Shit. The very thought makes me want to go to college. So maybe it won’t be all bad. I am worried though. I had this dream last night that my room was on top of a very large stack of tables. And something about Mr. G hosting fear factor was in it too. You know it’s serious when stuff starts making it into your dreams. (Mr. G was there because I haven’t been going to his class, No other reason. Period.)

-Josh Ziering

Ok, Now for a real update.

Let no one ever speak ill of Senior year. It’s done nothing but good things for me. Except for the few bad things. Damn you.

This time of year does wonderful things for me. It puts me in a chipper mood…almost all the time. Sure, I get hung up about something or other every once in a while, however I’m feeling pretty fine right now. I jump out of my house every day, arms open and proclaim “Yes, I am the greatest villain of all time!”

I’m always well rested. I’m always happy to be going to school! Since I started Plan: Get the hell out with as little exposure as possible. I’ve been fantastic. And to say the least, it’s working out pretty damn good. Recently, I won a poetry slam. …Who knew I did poetry?! Not me. Apparently I’m pretty ok at it. The prize for winning this slam? A large Almond Chocolate Bar. For those unaware, I’m very allergic to nuts.

FNL went up on Wednesday. It went fantastic. To date, It’s the most fun show I’ve ever been in. Partly because I got to play some characters that I really enjoyed, and because it was just a hilarious group of people. Constant laughter. I tried to write as much stuff as possible. A lot of my stuff got in, some wasn’t feasible, some they thought just wasn’t funny. Philisteins.

During FNL, I managed to accomplish a few things. Firstly, I’m furthering Mr. Tenlo’s reign. I managed to graffiti some graffitis (Defacing existing graffitis) with his name. I also managed to identify myself on our daily televised announcements as Steven Tenlo. Furthermore, Steven is even in the FNL program. It’s awesome.

Finally, I spent today at Pine Island, New York. It’s just outside of the New Jersey border. It’s kinda rural. My desintation was a Sod farm to fly my huge airplane. It weighs about 6 pounds, has a 55” wingspan, and fly’s REALLY fast (Think 50mph…) The propeller alone is 14 inches. Here it is just after take off.

Today, I had two flights with this beast. (Though, when it’s flying the only sound is a slight whistle emanating from the imperfections in the airframe.) I had two nearly perfect landings. The landings are especially hard because this thing is SOOO fast and it has to land that way. Essentially, I just kind of fly it near the ground and hope for the best.

All in all, things are good. I have more business than I can handle, and certainly more than my voicemail can handle. (Damn you verizon and your 20 voicemail message limit!) I’m also trying to prepare for prom. Damn you too prom. Up until about a year ago, when people said prom to me, I would think along the lines of E-Prom…. Dorky computer nerd stuff.

Rock on.

-Josh Ziering-

I’m terrible sorry to report I’ve been so neglectful of my Blog. Recently, the musical has been eating my life. For those unaware, I play a pirate in the Columbia High School Production of Peter Pan. The show has been going great, and I’ve had a fantastic time. I never thought I’d say this, but dressing up like a jackass and dancing and singing is fun. It’s not like I’m the star of the show or anything (That would be Megan and Amy), Heck, I have only one line:

THE DOODLEDOO HAS KILLED THEM ALL!

And for all it’s worth, I’ve had a great time doing that one line. I think the best thing I can say about the musical, is that it’s been somewhat worthwhile. Don’t get me wrong, it was an endless time sink, but going out there on opening night almost made it all worth it. Hell, nobody bothered to boo at the assemblies. THAT is when you know you’re doing something right.

Sadly, this is the last weekend of the musical. Being the budding theatre dork I am, I’ve already started on my next endeavor. Friday Night Live, the school’s improvisational comedy group accepted me this year. (After totally rejecting me last year. (And last years audition was better.)) The rehearsals for FNL are much more reasonable. They include things like soda, and laughing. They also include sitting. I’ve missed sitting. FNL only practices until 5pm, which is a huge improvement over the musical. Not to mention the days will be getting longer.

Unfortunatley, even though the days are getting longer, It’s still SNOWING! What crap is this?! I’m soo tired of snow. One day … me and snow is gunna rumble. It’ll be ugly.

-Josh Ziering-