Time slows, two find
each other, eye to eye.
the whole room lost to a gaze.
We played tag,
you’re it.
And I found my glances much like legs:
unable to run that fast.
It was denial of everything else,
the kind of thing a wave would ruin;
or perhaps an embrace,
in that old adage.
My fingers went to to pick up my drink,
afraid to be unsupervised.
when I looked back up for my friend,
and her playful eyes,
I found the room again.
Is anyone else ridiculously attracted to the girl from the new Death Cab For Cutie video? I’d marriage her ass.
I have such random weaknesses.
And here is the video where she treks around the world all hot like:
I just got done writing an explication and then reading it aloud. I found a sentence I think is just delicious:
“These actions give solace to the chef unsure of her guests fondness for dishes from the Shetland Isle. ”
Say it aloud a few times.
News Years Eve 2006. Another one for the history, record, and probably a couple other other kinds of books. I heard about a party early in the evening close to my house at my friend Jenny’s house. It was a little weird because I hadn’t seen her in a couple years, and I never remembered her as the type to ever throw a party in high school. Nevertheless, my friend Harry came over and we decided what the hell, let’s go. Upon making that decision it became clear that the walk over there may be very boring and cold unless we appropriately “Pre-game”. So we drank a couple of beers, which is about as many beers I ever care to drink; and I pregamed in another way, a much more cloudy way.
We set off walking, because the last thing I wanted was to be or have a run in with a drunk driver. For some reason the drunk driving commercials have a much greater effect on me than the anti-drug commercials. Running down a family of four in a minivan is a lot more traumatic than waking up to find my entire fist unable to be removed from my mouth. The new theme now is “Be Above the Influence” which I happen to find hilarious because they always show the most
fuck-up kids on the commercials: The Lone Goth Kid, The Really Independent Girl (That everyone thinks is a lesbian), or the illustrious Skateboarder kid. Kiling people makes a lot more sense in my mind. I’ve met people who’ve gotten DUIs, who’ve passed out behind the wheel in a parking lot. I have yet to meet the person unable to take their hand out of their mouth, or the person who’s bones have all mysteriously dissapeared. Upon going out at night, my sister oft reminds me, “Keep your hands away from your mouth”.
Anyhow, we start walking to the party in a rip roaring state of confusion, really messed up, but all extremedies properly in place. Harry, my friend, is visually challenged. And for what reason he decided to test me I know not, but at some point he starts to meander into oncoming traffic. I nearly have a heart attack and yell ‘WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?!” He keenly replies, “Just want to make sure you’re on top of your game”
As I’m walking up the street, I notice all the cars on it, and start to think, “Sheesh, this must be a huge party.” So, we knock on her door. She answers, and I said “I heard you were having a party.” As she was talking, I kind of got a little distracted looking inside. I see two people I don’t know, and they’re wearing jewish hats. … I look at her pants and they are like business suit pants. I realize, in my mind, that she is having a family Hanukah party and totally freak out on her. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Jake told me something entirely different. I didn’t know it was Hanukah, It’s just I didnt know, and the Hanukah hates me. (What a jew I am)” I think I just kept repeating that until I started leaving and walking down her stairs. I felt like a total Jack ass. TOTAL. Who crashes a family hanukah party?! Comparatively, it wasn’t that bad, because I got a call 5 mins later as we were walking home:
Brett Druck: “Josh Ziering … Did you just come to Jenny’s house and yell at her about how much you hate hanukah?”
Josh: “Dude She’s having a Hanukah partyyyy with her family. I felt soooo bad.”
Brett Druck: “You dumb ass. She’s having a party, she even invited you in like twice, but she said you kept going on about hating Hanukah and how this was different than what you heard? Come back, drink with us. ”
Josh: [Putting puzzle pieces together] “So…it’s not a family party? Are you there?”
Brett Druck: “Yes…”
Josh: “But what about those people wearing the jewish hats?”
Brett Druck: “She has a lot of jewish friends you jack ass. Would you just come back and party with us?”
What a way to end the year. I’m shocked I remembered as much of that as I did.
The moral?
Black Little Sister
I forgot I had a black little sister? (Click refresh if she’s just looking around and you don’t get it)
Joshua Ziering
The days are all starting to slide together now. It’s remarkable, how sleeping is by no means any way to mediate a life, but somehow I find myself repeatedly meddled by it. I slept for 18 consecuetive hours the other day, but only 6 during this last day.
I find myself arriving in strange places at strange times. The other night I woke up on the couch, with very little idea about how I fell asleep with my legs hanging off the couch. This wasn’t a comfy couch curl up nap, this was a viciously gripping piece of sleep. I had no idea what I was watching before the sleep, but I woke up to a gentleman trying to sell me on how to sell real estate with no start-up capital. The question begs to be asked, if this is such a good idea, and “Proposterously Profitable”, Why in the fuck isn’t 
he doing this instead of making me question my sanity at 4:45 in the morning?
So the other night my friend Ashley and I smoked, in the freezing cold, outside, in the wind. It was pretty miserable, but the payoff was that we got to watch the Nip/Tuck Season Finale, which was spectacular. That show continues to impress. And for the record, I knew Quentin was the carver the whole time. And halfway through I knew the skank murder investigator (Who I’d be all about too) was in cahoots with him. After the show, we watched some of Gremlins 2. So glorious. I love Gizmo. He’s adorable, and so capable. While watching, I noticed something I hadn’t before: Duder: “We’ll put up a huge sheet over the building so the Gremlins think it’s night time.” Other Duder: “Well, the sun goes down at 7:22, when should we put the sheet up?” Duder: “So… about 4:20.” I laughed, and I laughed.
While watching Gremlins, we made a quick snack stop. If you’ve never tried blue jello and whip cream before, please do, it’s amazing. Jello is quite possibly the perfect food ever for late night Gremlin endeavors.
Joshua Ziering
I came up with a new Axe body spray commercial. I have way too much creativity to be not doing anything of consequence with my life. I want a cool job. Now.
Man getting dressed listening to queen we are the champions of the world.
Douses himself in Axe Bodyspray.
Puts on all black clothing.
Cut to man carjacking a young woman, smoking hot. She drives a Jetta.
“Get out of the car lady!”
Man drives away fast.
Cut to man wrecking the car into a tree.
He gets out of the car, looks suspicious and runs off into the forest.
A police officer rolls by, and gets on his radio. “This is 4-19….”
Cut to a cop showing the lady her car.
“Yeah, I’m sorry mam, but it’s been totaled. We just need you to tell us if it’s yours”
Cut to passenger seat perspective.
Woman pokes her head in the car, catches a whiff of the seat, and at first just pets it. “my poor car”.
Woman begins to rub the seat. “I bet you could use a big hug”
Woman starts molesting the seat in that patented Axe way.
Cut to black.
“The Axe Effect”.
Trying to avoid “Gonzo Journalism”,
Josh
Chief executive of Verizon Wireless Ivan Seidenberg mabe should consider taking some classes in public relations. It’s clear he’s no politician. In the San Francisco Chronicle this weekend Seidenberg is quoted as saying,
“Why in the world would you think your (cell) phone would work in your house?” he asked. “The customer has come to expect so much. They want it to work in the elevator, they want it to work in the basement.” Said Seidenberg.
Well Ivan, let me shed a little perspective your way. My name is Joshua Ziering, I’m 19 years old, and I have no idea where I will be in the next 10 minutes. I live a life of spontaneity. My cell phone is the on the short list of things I won’t leave the house without. I’d rank it somewhere just below deodorant. Deodorant Ivan. You’ve managed to create a product and a service that competes with not smelling. In my mind, that’s a slam dunk.
But why is it so important my cell phone link me to the outside world regardless of where I am? In 10 minutes, I could be in a basement party somewhere just South of Tempe. In an hour I could be in the middle of the desert in front of a roaring campfire. Safety reasons asides, why would I want a cellphone to work under these conditions? Girls Ivan, Girls. It’s trite, I’ll concede to that. However, your service has changed forever the way a guy like myself gets numbers. Rather than doing some sort of ‘quid pro quo’ exchange reminiscent of a horror movie; You simply get a girl to call you. This gives her your number, and when she calls you, you get her number. Then you don’t have to sit there like a dork typing in her name and here location, and her number. You just do it later. This way nobody casts shame on you for being really adept at typing on a phone.
So, Ivan, I hope that I’ve put a little bit of sense into your frustrated executive ranting. Because, you really have no real idea what was happening in that elevator before I asked that girl for her number. And that’s the whole theme here:
You never know.
Josh
http://www.axcessnews.com/national_041705.shtml
DMX arrested again. My R/C Helicopter idol, once again incarcerated for stupid automotive stuff. I shed small tear when I read that. Small.
Josh
I caught this today on page 6 of the New York Post.
” April 3, 2005 — A HATTIESBURG, Miss., policewoman and her husband found out the hard way how popular Dave Chappelle’s Comedy Central show is - especially his catch phrase, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” Diane James’ husband, Rick James, is running for Hattiesburg City Council. She wrote to Comedy Central: “Due to the popularity of the Dave Chappelle show, people keep stealing our ‘Vote Rick James’ yard signs … we would appreciate a small campaign donation for more signs, as we are working-class people and financing this campaign out of our own pockets. Each time a sign is stolen, it costs us $4.75! Every time a ‘Rick James’ piece runs on your show, we stand to lose dozens of signs overnight, which end up decorating people’s front yards and dorm rooms … the yard signs have been spotted at least 100 miles from our home by truckers … Also, young children on bikes scream, ‘I’m Rick James, bitch!’ as we drive by in our car with our ‘Rick James’ car signs … People even drive by our home and scream, ‘Super Freak.’” No word on whether Comedy central will pitch in for more signs. ”
I laughed, and I laughed. For those of you looking to take away sound bites from this:
“Also, young children on bikes scream, ‘I’m Rick James, bitch!’ as we drive by in our car with our ‘Rick James’ car signs”
On a side note, I’ve decided I’m finally at a point in my life where I can make my desktop background porn, and not feel guilty for it.
Josh
